March 8, 2011

When it rains

... it pours. Without fail.

I have a lot of things weighing on me right now, and I'm not sure I want to write a proper post for each one - I *do* need to get them off my chest, but I just don't want to draw them out into multiple posts full of complaining, anxiety, and my odd neuroses. So, here we go, list style. Buckle up, I can't guarantee this is going to be a well-articulated smooth ride of thoughts.

1. My dad is back in the hospital. As of my last phone conversation with my mother, it's not looking terribly serious, but still, it's troubling. It feels like this stuff never ends. I don't want to say I'm jinxed, but as soon as I start seriously researching a vacation, something happens and I'm so grateful that I didn't book a flight or anything because now I can afford to fly home if I need to. (And then I start to feel guilty that I'm thinking about myself and my stupid vacation after hearing that Dad is sick again.)

stuff no one told me DOT blogspot DOT com
2. My friend that I am running the Shamrock Shuffle with in just over a month didn't listen when I told her to be careful not to overtrain, and she messed up her knee pretty bad. So she'll be doing the race, but only running a mile at most, then walking. We run together on Sunday mornings, and I asked her flat out the other day if she'd be able to do the race, and without addressing my question, she said that no matter what she ends up doing, she wants me to run the whole thing. I feel really conflicted about this. On the one hand, I want to run this race more than anything - but on the other, I don't want to abandon my friend. We're in this together. What to do?!

stuff no one told me DOT blogspot DOT com
3. I'm in an awful funk. I keep getting up every morning, going to work, going to the gym, and eating well. But I'm still feeling really unsatisfied most days. It's an odd feeling, especially because I'm so cheerful most of the time, even when things aren't going so well. Lately it just seems that every strong week is followed by multiple weeks of instability, and I can't completely pick myself up. I honestly think it's the weather and my need of a change of scenery, but knowing what needs to happen doesn't really make it all that much easier when it's sort of beyond your control.

stuff no one told me DOT blogspot DOT com
4. Also adding to my malaise: I'm totally smitten with a boy that, even if he was interested in me, I cannot be with right now, for a few reasons. He'll get his own post soon enough, but at the moment, I just can't process the thoughts. The problem is that I get emotionally attached far too quickly and it's tearing my heart apart just thinking about the eventual heartache I'm setting myself up for. These are not real current concerns, these are worries about possible future concerns, and the logical 24-year-old me knows that. But the 13-year-old me that's raging inside my brain lately is bouncing off the walls. I'm worried that these new feelings will disrupt the path I've been cruising along for the past few months, and that feeling of slipping and losing control is the last thing I need.

In so many aspects of my life lately, I feel like I am 13 again: my weight is about the same now as it was then, my body is changing, and my brain feels totally unsure about how to process this new world I am living in. It was awful dealing with these kinds of transitions at 13 when I had no real life responsibilities - just fight with my sisters, yell at my parents, and stomp off to bed early. But to have to live with this all and still go to work, pay bills, run errands, and interact with people? It's exhausting. And I'm not entirely sure what I need to do to fix it.

A good cry helped.

stsob fest 2011
Some other ideas: I need to expand my offline support system. I need to feel less guilty about things that I cannot control. I need to hold onto what I can right now (thank you, Sarah). I need to make specific goals - a day at a time, if need be - and I need to stay focused. I need a change of scenery, even something as simple as mixing up my routines in a small way.


I told you this was going to be all over the place.

It's supposed to be a little warmer today, and I hope that makes me feel better. Teaching will be a breeze since my kids are watching a movie, and I fully intend on getting to bed early tonight. I'll be bringing a paper notebook to my classes today to take notes and make a more specific plan of action, and hopefully this wishy-washy feeling will go away soon.

How do you deal with that wishy-washy feeling? (Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes!) What do you do to mix up a stale routine?


Life as a Caterpillar said...

Oh Mary-Doll, i am sorry you are feeling like this, you have my full sympathies and i will write to you more later.

I know what you mean about a change of pace: see my blog today for my own plan to move forward out of the funk.
However, i hope that maybe the change in weather will put a spring in your step? It's starting ever so slightly to change here, and it's wonderful to see.

Sending loads of love and good wishes


Amy said...

Oh yes... I know exactly what that wishy washy feeling feels like.

You have a lot to celebrate but at the same time it must be tough with your family stuff going on, and it's hard to celebrate your success. Sometimes if we do the same thing each day it just gets boring, and we need a slight change in routine. Take a different way to work, go for a run somewhere else, even making different dinners might help (like you had said a few posts ago).

When it rains it certainly pours... but always think... the sun always shines after the rain! It always makes it return!

The summer my brother died... it was one thing after another... and we kept thinking, bad things happen in 3s... first my brother died, then my dad had triple bypass surgery, and then a bunch of little stuff kept happening over and over again, and we kept wishing that THAT was the third thing. That Fall my Gramma (same one that was just in the hospital) was in the hospital off and on for a month... and then it just seemed like everything settled again... and we just tried to move on from the blow!

and yes, a good cry ALWAYS helps!! I hate that feeling when you know it's coming and you just can't cry. Eventually the tears come and all this pressure lifts away and you feel like you can breathe again!

Chubby McGee said...

I'm sorry about your dad. He's in my prayers. :)

As for the Shamrock Shuffle: run it. Run the whole thing. Do it on your own if you have to. I'm thinking you need to do something like that for YOURSELF, by yourself as a symbol of this journey you're on. I think it'll kick your 13-year-old self out of your body so you can be a secure 24-year-old. Do it for you. Enjoy that run. Use it as a bridge to cross from the old you to the new you. Do it. Go for it. PUSH!


jayme @ Losing Half My Weight said...

the parallel with your 13 year old self is a powerful observation. don't discount that - and yeah, give yourself some grace because as hard as it was then, it's bazillion times harder now that you're an adult.

i've been feeling ultra wishy-washy too. it seems as if a lot of people have been, both online and offline. i totally get the rational and irrational bits you've mentioned. my experience is that you just have to ride it out.

february is a crap month and i think you're right - a change of scenery would do you good. but i'd challenge you to think about your time away in a different way other than your "stupid vacation" as if it is less important than everything else going on. in some ways it is - but in other ways, it isn't. this journey has been about you learning how to take care of yourself, even in the midst of pressures, responsibilities and obligations that come with being the oldest, etc. you can't live waiting in anticipation of something happening to your dad. it isn't healthy. you did a lot of work over the holidays related to boundaries - this is something else that's part of that, i think.

hang in there, friend. and take care of YOU!

Anonymous said...

You are not the only one, for sure. Is it okay if I use the pictures you posted? They are awesome. I'll give you credit, of course.

Anonymous said...

Your dad is in my prayers.

And I second everything McGee said!! Run it for you!!

Pretty Pauline said...

AW! You are even cute when you CRY! And I can't believe you took pics of it. I think you're pretty neat. I'm sorry you're struggling right now, but I am happy to cheer you through it! If I owned a magic wand I'd wave it all away for you...

Anonymous said...

Regarding your race, you run your heart out!!! Even if that means leaving your friend behind.

Wendie said...

I know wishy-washy and when you have a lot hitting you all at once it is understandable. It's hard to stand firm when your foundation is shaky. About your race; you need to plan on doing it the way YOU want to do it. This is a big thing for you and you don't want to look back and say "I wish I would have...." Your friend should absolutely understand.

Unknown said...

So sorry to hear about your dad, Mary. When things around us are unstable, it sucks us right in, doesn't it? Some days I feel as though I am at my own breaking point. I trudge through the winter a good little scout, but around mid-February I start to shift and it's as though every single cold, miserable day has banded together and dumped on me at once. Desperation is the word for me. Desperate for Spring. You don't live too far from me so I know the kind of weather you've been dealing with. You'll breathe in new life once the weather changes. Hang in there, sweets.

Shannon said...

You have alot going on, Mary, so it's understandable that your emotions are all over the place! You WILL get through all of it! I, also, thing you should run that 5K - you'll be happy you did. You and your dad are in my thoughts. Take care.