Three seedlings

Last night I had a great conversation with a young man I know, someone I hope to write about in more detail when the time is appropriate, and it really cheered me up a lot. I haven't really told any of my friends about what's been going on with my father, and keeping it all inside was a major contributor to Monday's binge. So it felt really good to talk to someone, to feel a little unburdened and a little less alone. I love writing blog posts, but sometimes the immediate feedback of real conversation is precisely what you need.

My father's condition is stable enough that he's received travel clearance, so tonight my parents are flying from West Palm Beach back to Connecticut. From there they'll head directly to the hospital, and then we'll see what happens. More waiting, and we need to be okay with that for now.

My mom called me last night to update me on the situation and more than anything, one of her biggest concerns is my father's attitude. He was told by his doctors after his first heart attack (in 2006) that he needed to eat better and be as active as he could. He chose not to listen. And now, after having another heart attack, he's getting the same advice, and because of his kidney concerns, now the dietary plan is even stricter. He was given a list of preferable foods, as well as descriptions of what appropriate portion sizes are. And my mom said he got very short with her, saying he was going to follow his own plan, to heck with what the doctors say because what do they know.

Again, I feel guilty - this time, because my mom told me that my dad said "Mary lost over a hundred pounds, I'm going to do it, too." I absolutely should not feel guilty - he is following what he assumes to be "my plan," when in fact, he's never actually asked me what I've been doing - he's always only wanted to know the numbers on the scale. I have hoped that my family would be inspired by my progress, but this isn't what I meant - I want them to eat healthy and be active, but in a way that is appropriate and sustainable for them. So much of my success is based on knowing what my limits are and maintaining a balance with all of it - I don't cut out any food groups entirely, I exercise like a fiend, I drink tons of water, and I take a multivitamin. Also in my favor: I'm not diabetic, I can feel my hands and legs, and I haven't had a single heart attack, let alone two. My plan works for me, but my father's plan will need to be adapted to his specific circumstances - and while it is okay to feel sad or upset, I cannot feel guilty for his decisions.

In semi-related news, I bought a small strawberry seed plant kit last week. You add water to the soil pellet to rehydrate it, then add the seeds and let nature do what it does best. Yesterday morning, I noticed the first three little seedlings popping out from the soil. It's not much, but it feels like a good sign from the universe. Spring, fresh life, new beginnings ... it's right around the corner.