December 1, 2010

Part Two: Scott

After hearing from Sam that I was not where I ought to be in terms of sexual experience, I sought to change the status quo. In retrospect, my logic was completely warped, and I really ought not to have taken his words seriously - he himself had a strange sexual past, including losing his virginity at fifteen to a friend's mother (which technically means he was raped). He had his own problems to worry about, and I should have recognized that instead of taking his words to heart. But at nineteen, confused and craving attention, I focused only on finding what I considered to be a solution to what he considered to be a problem.

The where and how of meeting Scott is better left unsaid, but put in the most simple way, he was a professor at the university I was attending. A few brief exchanges, conversations quick and to the point, and then, it happened. from blog dot newsok dot com slash bamsblog - not as random of an image as it may seemOnly a couple of months after Sam had told me I lacked experience, I began making up for it in that very same dorm room. It was fast, and more scientific than emotional - I didn't care about Scott at all. I was mostly thinking about the fact that what was happening, was happening. And that being on the other side of this ridiculous exchange would change part of my personal definition in a way that would change the way Sam saw me and thought about me.

I feel completely disgusted thinking about it now ... the fact that it even began, the fact that it continued to happen for as long as it did, and the fact that I continued to speak to Scott even after I found out he was married. I didn't know that he was married when I lost my virginity to him, and I guess I naively assumed that if he was willing to sleep with me, then of course he wasn't otherwise obligated. My only concern had been with my own awakening, my personal awareness.

I did not sleep with him again after learning this, but still, I didn't walk away like I should have. We maintained contact for a couple of years, in fact. I often wonder if the awful relationship-related things in my life are karmic retribution for this. But I hope not - if everyone was punished for the rest of their lives for stupid things they did as teenagers, absolutely everyone would walk around constantly suffering.

After Scott flipped the "non-virgin" switch, there were other men that I hooked up with, no strings attached. It had a drug-like effect, comparable to the way I feel after a severe binge. I was addicted to the attention, to the feeling of power that sleeping with strangers gave me. I had the power to command this kind of reaction in men - and I interpreted it as adding to what little personal value I had when I kept my legs together. The number of men is still fewer than I can count on one hand, but more than I should have. I'm not that kind of girl, and five years removed from the situation, I can honestly say that if I sat down with the girl that I was during that time, I'm not sure I would recognize her.

One evening, Sam came to visit me, and we took a nap together. He kissed my eyelids, my cheeks, and then, very softly, my lips. I almost cried of happiness. Finally, success! We laid there, and I listened to his heartbeat and the tick of his wristwatch, felt the rise and fall of his chest and the stubble on his face. upon waking.The alarm clock went off at 6:45, since I had to go to work at 7:00, and he hugged me and said goodbye.

Like many literary heroines in their moments of weakness, I foolishly believed that changing myself would change him, and that now that I had sacrificed my morals, everything would be smooth sailing from now until forever.

After our nap, I went to work, and he left my bed to visit that of another girl, a blonde who lived in another dorm building. I remember that it was shortly after Facebook had introduced the ability to add photo albums, and that evening, he was tagged in a pretty scandalous photo - essentially, her straddling him. He was smiling in a way I hadn't seen before, and it devastated me. Even now, I still feel heartbroken, an immense regret after having sullied myself for him.

I was making mistakes left and right, and the worst part was, I wasn't learning from them. I knew Sam was going off with this girl and others, but when we were alone, it was like I forgot all about it. And the problem was, if we were together, we were always alone. He was okay with taking naps with me, or with kissing and laying together watching a movie. But in public, it was quick waves or very quiet hellos.

The thing is, I don't doubt that Sam genuinely liked me as a person. We hung out a lot - almost daily, in fact. He was a writer and an actor, and he would read me his stories or scripts or we would watch a movie together and talk about it in that interesting way I always assumed college students and grownups discussed things.

my generation will have the shittiest relics of youth
And so it seemed fitting that one of the last times we hung out, I delivered a scene right out of an award-winning romantic comedy. He had showed me a wonderful book he had found, and he let me borrow it so I could sketch some of the drawings I liked from the cover. When I handed it back, he found it full of handwritten Post-It notes.
i will love you when your movies are hits, and i will love you if they aren't.

i will still love you if you have no money and you just write scripts all the time,

when you're in between jobs and cannot offer me anything except your love and a few dedication pages.
He said he loved me too, and immediately upon hearing it, I knew it wasn't true, at least not in the way I wanted it to be. I am not some character in a period romance, I don't want a secret love. I only want your love and your kisses if you're willing to admit to them publicly. He graduated later that semester, and luckily, out of sight meant out of mind.

I tried to go out with other guys after him, but generally without success. I tended to seek out guys who were a little strange and awkward, since these were the men I deserved. It seemed to me that I needed to find a man broken into as many pieces as I was, when really, what I need is to find some glue.

Tomorrow, part three: Steve.


Jessica said...

This breaks my heart, and sounds strangely a page from my own life.

Amy said...

It's so weird how we make relationships out of something when we're in it, but in hind sight, we see what it really was. It's such a strange age, while we try to figure out who we are and why we're here...and what we deserve. I hope you know by now that you deserve somebody great, and I have faith that it will happen for you.

It's so strange how we all seem to relate and have these guys in our past lives.

Unknown said...

I'm hopeful that you truly do realize that you're not paying for the mistakes made in your past. I cringe at some of the things I've done and/or said in the past when I was young; we all do. Some mistakes are bigger than others, yes. But you were not being vindictive or hurtful. You were just trying to figure out who you were. And by the way, Scott is to blame here. He took advantage of a professional relationship and made it personal -and unethical - HIS fault, not yours.

SG said...

you are an amazing writer....