October 9, 2010

Lotus focus

When I first started doing the Wii Fit, one of my favorite cool down exercises was a simple meditation game to improve balance called "Lotus Focus." During the test, has you sit on the balance board and stay perfectly still for three minutes while focusing on a burning candle. There are a few tricks to try and get you to move - a buzzing fly, squeaking floorboards, and moving camera angles - and making it the full 180 seconds was surprisingly difficult at first.

I've never meditated regularly before, but I have been trying to do it more lately. It isn't as complicated as it may seem. In my high school health class, the teacher would light a candle and have us sit there for five minutes and just become aware of our breathing. It's remarkable. the candleIt's all about clearing your mind of clutter and really guiding your thoughts so that you can focus on one thing.

And so the other day while I was in the grocery store, I had a brilliant idea. Since I was planning on finally getting rid of the big 3 out in front of my weight, I bought a numeric birthday candle and decided I would melt it down and meditate while it lost its form. Kind of cheesy, yes. But I'm all about symbolism. I needed to destroy the number. I cannot let it come back, not again. If I melted it down, it would become incapable of regaining its form. And while it melted, I would think about where I am, where I have been, and where I would like to go.

I lit the candle last night and dripped a little wax on the tray to hold it in place. I sat there quietly and really thought about the progress I have made so far.
• I thought about the way my body felt nearly fifty pounds ago - the backaches, the general discomfort.
• I thought about how I felt physically - and emotionally - after a binge.
• I thought about being a kid and feeling so much pressure to be smart since it seemed to be all I had going for me.
• I thought about how much I love to sing, and how I avoided trying out for school plays.
• I thought about always staying home instead of going to parties or school dances.
• I thought about the lies I have told friends to avoid social situations.
• I thought about the numerous times when someone has told me things like "but you have such a pretty face" or "when you lose the weight, you're going to be a really good looking girl!"
• I thought about every guy that I let hurt me because I didn't think I deserved better.
• I thought about every time that I said "yes" even though I meant "no" because at least it was attention, and I thought that it was better than being alone.

Funny story about birthday candles: unlike "real" candles, the wick doesn't go all the way to the bottom.oopsIt's only meant to last through a 30-second song; I sat there, so focused on my past, that I didn't realize the candle had gone out. So I laid it down, put it in a pot of shallow water, and heated it up until it melted into an unrecognizable puddle. And while that happened, I focused only on my present and my future.

•I am beautiful.
• I am strong and capable.
• I am powerful.
• I am incredibly open to and completely deserving of honest, faithful, respectful love.
• I am experiencing a tremendous success as a result of my hard work and my determination.
• I am determined to get healthy.
• I am taking the right steps to improve the health of my body and my mind.

• I will continue to eat mindfully and properly nourish my body.
• I will continue to live an active lifestyle.
• I will continue to educate myself in order to improve all aspects of my life.
• I will continue to be grateful for the new chances and the new opportunities I am given with every single day.
• I will continue to give thanks for every single person in my life - my family, my friends, and my blogging community - and for the love and support they all give me.

This wax disc is going to stay on my desk to help keep me focused and to remind me of the feeling of peace I had when it finished melting. It was a sense of closure. It used to be a 3. I'll never forget that it was once a 3, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I can't completely ignore such a huge chapter of my life. The important thing is, it isn't a 3 anymore. And it never will be again.


Anonymous said...

Wow, you might think it's a little "cheesy", but it really looks like it was a very meaningful, thought provoking, reflective time for you! I think it's a great idea and if it gives you closure and peace on a part of your life that you are ready to leave behind....then wow! Good for you, how awesome is that!!

Josie said...

I do not think that is cheesy AT ALL. I found it very touching and a great idea! In fact, I like it so much, I might tweak it a little to fit my story and do something similar once I reach my goal weight. Thank you for the inspiration that you are! <3

Losing Half My Weight said...

wow. what a fantastic post! it makes me feel like i need to start thinking about what i should do when i say goodbye to "3" as well in the near future.

Rettakat said...

How wonderfully symbolic! I love what you did... at the end of this year, when I finally get into the Twosies, I want to get a 3 candle and melt it away forever, too!!!!


Anonymous said...

Great post and a good way to say buh bye to that 3! Congrats!