August 11, 2010

My life as a writer

I recently purchased a notebook destined to be the fourth volume of my handwritten journals. volume 4I started keeping handwritten journals in 2005 after a visit to Chicago. I had kept an online journal through most of high school and the beginning of college, and when the website crashed, I lost everything. I suppose that a paper journal is not much safer, but if these notebooks got burned, for example, I would at least have ashes to cling to, something material. After the diary-X crash, all I was left with were dead links.

Though evidence points to the contrary, I would hardly classify myself as a "writer." In spite of hundreds of pages of handwritten records of my day-to-day events, my thoughts and feelings, and my hopes and goals, I think that my writing is still very unpolished. I've done a great deal of academic writing, but my personal writing has largely been contained to the spiral-bound notebooks I keep on my nightstand.

That said, I am still going to give this a try.

I am starting this blog in order to make myself accountable for my weightloss. I have had my epiphany, and I feel that I am finally at a point in my life where I can fully commit myself to my weightloss efforts. All too often have I turned over a new leaf, making strong efforts to eat well and exercise, only to fall victim to doubts and weaknesses. With this, I am hoping to write about my struggles as well as my successes; having an (assumed) audience will hopefully give me some encouragement as well as help with keeping me focused on my short- and long-term goals.

a small lossThe title of my blog, "a small loss," comes from one of my journals, in fact. I had a fantastic dream where I unzipped my skin and my bones went for a walk. The sound of the wind whipping through my ribcage was this magical, carefree, weightless whistle - though, I didn't have ears to appreciate it; in my hastily scribbled "upon waking" journal entry, I noted this as "a small loss." The symbolism was, to me, fairly obvious, and the image of a skeleton strolling down the street, completely unburdened, haunted me for months. Finally, I painted it. It is the most personal painting I have ever made, and expressing it gave me the most pleasant feeling. I hope that this blog has the same sort of effect - to help me let go of some of the emotional weight while I also fight with the physical weight.

4 comments:

Jessica said...

Hi! I stumbled upon your journal and hope to read about your journey. Good luck to you!

Rettakat said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. And welcome to the Blogosphere!

I think it's great that you "get it" so much younger than I did. And you are right, it takes a commitment... to yourself. Consistency, self-honesty, and never ever quitting, no matter what.

I LOVED your dream and the painting you did of it! The description of the wind whistling thru the bones... loved it.

My best to you on your journey!
Loretta
=^..^=

jayme @ Losing Half My Weight said...

mary, i just saw this post and love, love, love the painting and the image you captured of your dream. i had often wondered what 'a small loss' came from, but never asked. now i know. lovely.

didi_buttonsley said...

I love your painting, and that dream you had is kind of crazy amazing. It's weird, we started our blogs the same year and month, and yet I've never stumbled on yours before.
It's like we both started about weight loss and then scattered off to other topics...